I’d like to take a break from the “how to” side of my BDSM 101 series of colums to focus, for a moment, on “how not to.” Specifically, I would like to teach you how to avoid the most surefire way of forcing people not only to fail to take you seriously but to actively mock you behind your back. My instruction is simple, straightforward, easy to follow, and to the point:

Do not refer to yourself as “dominate” or as a “dominate (wo)man.”

For some inexplicable reason lost in the ether of the net, a horrible grammatical atrocity has become common in the online, as well as the physical, kinky universe. What is this crime of which I speak? It is the use of the verb dominate as an adjective or a noun. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Darestars Diva,

My girlfriend got me a cock ring for my birthday. She says it would be fun for us to play with. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with it, but I’m too embarassed to admit that to her so I just thanked her and hid it in the bottom of the sock drawer. What is a cock ring for, and what do I do with it?

Sincerely,
Ring Around the ‘Rousal

Dear Ring Around,

One ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them… or do the two of you like to have sex with the lights on? A cock ring is a device used to restrict the blood flow out of the penis. It can, among other things, allow a man to retain his erection for a longer period of time or delay orgasm. Which is not to say that your girlfriend is trying to tell you something. A lot of men really enjoy cock rings as a part of sexual play. An ex of mine has a big thing about them, and so I decided to ask him if he could explain the appeal. He said Read the rest of this entry »

Some people really enjoy using hot wax as a component of their BDSM play. It can be silly or it can be sensual. It can be painful or it can be pleasurable. What it always is, however, is messy.

If you’re going to play with hot wax and you like your floors, or your bed sheets, or your couch, then before you play put down a drop cloth, a plastic tarp, or a sheet that you are planning to sacrifice to the gods of sex. Even people with the best aim in the world will sometimes miss their bottom and spill wax on whatever their bottom is lying on and if the wax is colored it can stain. If it doesn’t… you can try to get it out with some paper towels, an iron, and a little perseverance, but it’s much easier to avoid the mess in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Darestars Diva,

I don’t understand why people like S & M. I have seen some really intense kicking and painful stuff on websites. Why would a guy want to be kicked in the groin repeatedly and how can he endure and get horny from it?

Sincerely,
If That is a Man, I’m a Mouse

Dear Mickey,

Different people like different sensations and find different things sexually arousing. Some people get a very strong endorphin rush from pain and other extremely intense sensations. There can also be a feeling of pride or satisfaction in being able to take the pain, but most people who enjoy being beaten experience some form of sensory alchemy that changes pain into pleasure. If you’ve ever enjoyed it when your partner scratched you, or bit you, during sex Read the rest of this entry »

For a lot of people, BDSM brings to mind a mental image of a scantily clad woman holding a bullwhip. Although bullwhips can certainly be part of a scene they are decidedly not BDSM for beginners. Bullwhips, when wielded by an amateur, can do as much damage to the person holding them as to the person on the receiving end. If you’re reading these columns for advice, they are not something you should even be thinking using. Even shorter, less potentially dangerous whips require a lot of practice before they can be used safely. Do yourself a favor and start with what I would consider the elementary tools of destruction : floggers and paddles.

Floggers are whips with multiple tails and, usually, a handle to hold them with. They come in Read the rest of this entry »

For a lot of people, their first entry into the world of BDSM is tying their partner up… or getting tied down. I’m not going to try to instruct you in the intricacies of bondage, there are people far better equipped for that than I am (For example, check out Twisted Monk for not only beautiful rope and gear, but incredibly detailed and informative instructional videos. Two Knotty Boys also have a number of great instructional videos on the web.) What I am going to do, however, is provide you with some extremely basic rules of bondage safety. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Darestars Diva,

Is sex better without a condom?

Sincerely,

Uncovering the Truth

Dear Uncovering,

I don’t know. Is sex better with a blonde or a brunette? Is sex better with an older partner or a younger partner? Is sex better if you do it with the lights on or the lights out? Using a condom doesn’t make sex better or worse, it makes sex different. Personally, I’ve never had sex without a condom, and Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes, when two people are engaged in a BDSM “scene,” the bottom/submissive wants to be able to say “no” or “stop” without having the top/dominant listen. They may be engaged in role-play, or they may just like screaming out “don’t!” at the top of their lungs, but in circumstances when a person has specifically told their partner that they want to be able to protest without the action stopping, a special signal known as a safeword is generally used. A safeword is a word, such as aardvark, or a signal, such as dropping a bell, that signals to both parties that the action needs to stop immediately, no Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Diva,

Last week I attended the wedding of one of my best friends. While I was there, I hooked up with one of the bridesmaids. She was fun, and we had a really good time, but now she won’t answer my e-mails. I’d kind of like to date her, even though she lives three states away, but I’m beginning to think she was just using me for the sex.

Sincerely,
Jilted After the Altar

Dear Jilted,

I hate to break it to you, but there’s a good chance that you’re right. I know a lot of women who think that weddings are a great place to pick up men for casual sex. After all, people are drinking, their inhibitions are lowered, Read the rest of this entry »

I have a pet peeve.

My pet peeve is women who say “no” to intimacy hoping that their partners will talk them into it so that they can feel better about their sexual decision-making. “Oh no! I shouldn’t.” and then a few minutes later “well, I guess if you really want to…” is a great recipe for training men not to respect a word that you say.

When I was 16 I had a friend tell me, “I never say ‘no’ to a guy unless I mean it. If he doesn’t listen, I’ll put him in the hospital.” I was still completely sexually innocent and had no idea that what she was telling me was unusual. After all, why would any woman say “no” to sex if she wanted it? Read the rest of this entry »

The other day I got into an argument with someone, because I said “I think that the syndicated version of Sex in the City is kind of boring without the sex,” and the woman I was talking to said “Oh, you’re arguing the man’s side.”

Since when is having an interest in sex solely the province of men? I know that much of society would like to believe that its daughters are good little girls who only put up with the indignities of sexual intercourse to please their husbands and produce the next generation, but why? Personally, I’d rather think that if my daughter was having sex that she was doing it because she liked it, and wanted to be having sex, rather than to think she was simply giving in out of some misplaced notion of social obligation.

I have a news alert for you, world, a lot of women are Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Darestars DivaI’m so excited! I’m a 26-year-old virgin and this weekend I finally get to have sex! I met this awesome 30-year-old woman on the Internet, and we’re getting together for the first time. What I want to know is this… do I really have to use a condom? It’s the first time I’m going to be having sex and I want to feel it. Plus, I read that it’s really unlikely I’d get AIDS from just having sex once so I don’t think I should have to. What do you think?

Sincerely,

Raring to Go

Dear Raring,

I think you should use a condom. You didn’t mention whether or not you’ve talked to this girl about Read the rest of this entry »