I’d like to take a break from the “how to” side of my BDSM 101 series of colums to focus, for a moment, on “how not to.” Specifically, I would like to teach you how to avoid the most surefire way of forcing people not only to fail to take you seriously but to actively mock you behind your back. My instruction is simple, straightforward, easy to follow, and to the point:

Do not refer to yourself as “dominate” or as a “dominate (wo)man.”

For some inexplicable reason lost in the ether of the net, a horrible grammatical atrocity has become common in the online, as well as the physical, kinky universe. What is this crime of which I speak? It is the use of the verb dominate as an adjective or a noun. Read the rest of this entry »

Some people really enjoy using hot wax as a component of their BDSM play. It can be silly or it can be sensual. It can be painful or it can be pleasurable. What it always is, however, is messy.

If you’re going to play with hot wax and you like your floors, or your bed sheets, or your couch, then before you play put down a drop cloth, a plastic tarp, or a sheet that you are planning to sacrifice to the gods of sex. Even people with the best aim in the world will sometimes miss their bottom and spill wax on whatever their bottom is lying on and if the wax is colored it can stain. If it doesn’t… you can try to get it out with some paper towels, an iron, and a little perseverance, but it’s much easier to avoid the mess in the first place. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Darestars Diva,

I don’t understand why people like S & M. I have seen some really intense kicking and painful stuff on websites. Why would a guy want to be kicked in the groin repeatedly and how can he endure and get horny from it?

Sincerely,
If That is a Man, I’m a Mouse

Dear Mickey,

Different people like different sensations and find different things sexually arousing. Some people get a very strong endorphin rush from pain and other extremely intense sensations. There can also be a feeling of pride or satisfaction in being able to take the pain, but most people who enjoy being beaten experience some form of sensory alchemy that changes pain into pleasure. If you’ve ever enjoyed it when your partner scratched you, or bit you, during sex Read the rest of this entry »

For a lot of people, BDSM brings to mind a mental image of a scantily clad woman holding a bullwhip. Although bullwhips can certainly be part of a scene they are decidedly not BDSM for beginners. Bullwhips, when wielded by an amateur, can do as much damage to the person holding them as to the person on the receiving end. If you’re reading these columns for advice, they are not something you should even be thinking using. Even shorter, less potentially dangerous whips require a lot of practice before they can be used safely. Do yourself a favor and start with what I would consider the elementary tools of destruction : floggers and paddles.

Floggers are whips with multiple tails and, usually, a handle to hold them with. They come in Read the rest of this entry »

For a lot of people, their first entry into the world of BDSM is tying their partner up… or getting tied down. I’m not going to try to instruct you in the intricacies of bondage, there are people far better equipped for that than I am (For example, check out Twisted Monk for not only beautiful rope and gear, but incredibly detailed and informative instructional videos. Two Knotty Boys also have a number of great instructional videos on the web.) What I am going to do, however, is provide you with some extremely basic rules of bondage safety. Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes, when two people are engaged in a BDSM “scene,” the bottom/submissive wants to be able to say “no” or “stop” without having the top/dominant listen. They may be engaged in role-play, or they may just like screaming out “don’t!” at the top of their lungs, but in circumstances when a person has specifically told their partner that they want to be able to protest without the action stopping, a special signal known as a safeword is generally used. A safeword is a word, such as aardvark, or a signal, such as dropping a bell, that signals to both parties that the action needs to stop immediately, no Read the rest of this entry »